April 3rd, 2025

Today was a hard day. We slept, though restless and woke up rather early. This morning while making coffee, we had forgotten that we had already prepped for today. There was water already in the coffee pot, and we added more. Upon realizing it we dumped the excess, creating a mess on the counter. After cleaning it up we started to lose our place in where we were at in our routine. Where was our badge? Did we pack lunch yet? Where did we put our headphones? And so on.

We got to work a few minutes late, but managed to scramble everything together. Every social interaction, whether by phone or face to face was exhausting. By the time we left work and went to therapy, we were mentally exhausted. Yesterday was the feedback session for our neurodevelopmental testing.

We were diagnosed with combined presentation ADHD, and Level 1 ASD. The psychologist marked ASD with reservations considering how our mother answered the questionnaire, but did note that our subjective experiences were to be taken into account. As we explained this to our therapist, how the “with reservations” aspect upset some of us, she pointed out that we did call it out the week before our concerns with how mom would answer. To mom it is a spectrum, but she still looks for blatant signs. And I could go on about the more painful thoughts that means to us, but I really don’t have the spoons to do so.

Part of our journey the last five years has been learning how we really are when we can be our whole self when safety provides for it. And it’s obvious to us, to our partner, to our best friend, and both therapists–we are AuDHD. I suspected something was further “off” in my early twenties. Yeah, the DID answered a lot of aspects of our life, and we suspected ADHD at that point due to yet another therapist bringing it up. Even still it didn’t answer completely the underlying sensory issues, the struggles with expressing and articulating emotions, the shut downs, the repetitive behaviors, the rigid thinking, and suddenly being aware of masking.

I still remember the day I told my former therapist about how the sound of the fridge, the A/C unit, the TV and my partner talking all gradually went to the same volume. How it made my skin crawl, and how there was a deep need to suddenly exit the room. How beneath the loudness there was a toddler crying their head off. So we sat in a dark room, took a few breaths, and just waited for us to calm down. Our therapist pointed out we were blended with an aspect who was very much autistic.

I remember telling a former friend, years ago, awhile before I started therapy again, “sometimes I wonder if I’m autistic.” Their response was along the lines of calling us a hypochondriac. Despite the “with reservations,” the diagnosis is there. We’ve been thinking about what to do with the information. It has helped shift our perspective from outdated and incorrect beliefs to a deeper understanding there wasn’t anything wrong or bad with us. We were struggling with things that other kids didn’t seem to have issue with. Our “stubbornness” wasn’t out of malice or defiance, but rather the rigidity of thought and seeing some situations as unfair. We weren’t “picky eaters” because of taste, it was a high sensitivity to food texture.

The day was even more tiring as a  set of customers took our food, even after they recognized it wasn’t their order. By that point I wanted to meltdown, exhausted and hungry, and furious with people who don’t have any regard for others. My partner asked me what did we want to do, and I froze trying to reel in the sudden fury and frustration. We basically took the other order, begrudgingly, and left. Our partner recognized we were teetering into the red, and even one more demand would break us. We spent the evening sucked into Stardew Valley (a very soothing farming simulator), and occasionally pausing to re-watch an episode of Xena.

And now it’s April 8th and I’m stuck thinking about masking, and counting down the days til my stay-cation. Maybe I need to block out my days? Problem is I can schedule time for various things, but day of it’ll change. In any case, I’m alive. If I can manage it, I’ll try to compile up the last few weeks in brief. Maybe find a topic that itches the right spot of my brain. For now though, it’s coffee and survival.