I keep thinking about something my therapist pointed out: my brain craves challenge. Without chaos, while it is peaceful, there’s not a sense of movement or problems I can focus on and rely on the System to work with through the issues. I have at least 10 drafts stowed away, an unfinished Lego set, and sure, self-paced classwork to do. None of it really hooks us for long. That is the sneaky nature of depression.

I can’t guarantee this post won’t be full of negativity. Glimmers are still…not easy to recognize. Hot coffee is one though. And good music. Truth be told we tend to write, journal, and over think more when we’re not doing so hot. And I’ve been thinking a lot recently about our baseline. What that is in reality. The meds we take help the ADHD side more than it does our depression. I’d rather deal with depression than anxiety, that’s for sure. Having a panic attack months ago that landed me in the ER, and 8  ribs out of alignment is… Not fun.

You’d think knowing a baseline would be inherently known. It very well may be for a person who’s not dissociated from their body nearly 24/7, or someone who knows their limits even. I still feel like I’m in infancy with being a person. I get it’s because of trauma, and maybe the twenty plus years of believing I am nothing more than an object. So this being a person is still new. Hell even almost give years post diagnosis, being a system is still new.

Being allowed to have ideas, opinions, and autonomy. Feelings even. Our baseline is quite simple: not numb, but content. Or a general feeling of being okay. We’re all too aware feelings, at least those in the positive end of the spectrum, are fleeting. The negative tend to stick and last longer. Sometimes it can take days to come out of a DPDR episode. And in those episodes feelings are extremely muted.

We’ve been reading a lot more recently than gaming. The larger thoughts are hard to write down. I’m cautious to wonder if how I feel lately is real. That is, is the way I see things how they really are or is it clouded over by depression and apathy? This state of uncertainty is frustrating. It’s like treading deep waters. And I don’t know how to swim.

I don’t have a point to any of whatever this is either. Just a space to ramble I suppose. My journals, both electronic and physical, look just like this really. Paragraph after paragraph of rambling. And maybe some doodles, maps, charts, and odd shaped lettermarks we designed as a way to differentiate who was writing. Yes our handwriting changes, but in times of where speed is needed more than keeping distinction (I.e thoughts are faster than the hand can keep up with), letter marks are necessary.