The drafts are piling up. My house is a wreck. I’m drowning in the daily demands of life. I don’t know if this is more DID related or what: How the hell do people just feel things without being overwhelmed by it all? Or at least so mentally crowded at once? I kid you not we always felt broken in this way. Feeling so much so intensely we become nonverbal. Or at least unable to stutter out what is driving it. Tack on the mental crowding and overlapping voices, all having something to say it’s practically paralyzing.

When we were smaller we would cry and not be able to explain it. I cannot hold words and emotions in the same place for very long. I’m easily emotionally overwhelmed. It’s fascinating and perplexing how just 6 years ago (and all the years prior) we used to feel very deeply and would be concerned if the intensity isn’t what we expect to feel. Now it’s the exact opposite. The intensity of some emotions overwhelm me, and I can feel my brain short circuit. I understand that it’s normal for the prefrontal cortex to go offline during intense feelings, but I genuinely envy those who can cry and explain why they’re crying at the same time.

I’ve always loathed the “how are you doing?” question. In that split second the response internally is both verbal and emotional. The hardest to split apart. Honestly we think a lot of the confusion is coming from trying to demask, and honor the Host’s (whomever it is) limits. It’s messy and confusing, but it’s part of being human I suppose. The depression isn’t helping any.

Boy do I want to stay in armadillo mode though. Or flip a table.

I hate change.

-D