Daily writing prompt

If you didn’t need sleep, what would you do with all the extra time?

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If rest was not needed I would probably spend the time reading, writing, or more importantly: focusing on internal communication. Maybe finish up my college semester. The last few months have been a rollercoaster of change. Mainly Internal. My mom reached out last week and asked us questions to better understand DID. One of us feels it wasn’t to know us, but so she could better understand a friend of her’s who confided they also have DID. Honestly some of us are a bit hurt with that line of thought, but I can’t shake off the feeling there’s a grain of truth to it.

Maybe we wouldn’t be so plagued by nightmares. But the noise…the noise wouldn’t stop. Sleep is one of the few ways I can escape the constant commotion. The incessant remarks and feelings bleeding in the background. It’s a forced reset I know, and some inside don’t like when we force ourself to sleep. These days we’re functioning as best as we can. Despite really bad sleep. The excess of time would probably become it’s own form of Hell for us.

We already struggle with not knowing what to do with free time when it is available. And even then should we decide upon a task or a hobby, there is a lack of joy from it. Or we quickly become bored and immobilized by choice paralysis. Or the attempt is made but there is no genuine passion. Just a feeling of Void. I know it’s a flare up of seasonal depression despite antidepressants and other self medicating options available to us. Or perhaps it is the fact we are in part of the year when many horrible things happened. Mostly likely a combination of both.

Our partner often laments about not having enough time to do things they’d like. We know some would say they’d use the time available to spend more time with family and friends. Maybe we would too. I have often thought about what I’d do if time had no end. The thought of it always fills me with a profound sadness, as if no matter how much time we had available to us we would still feel lost. Alone. Without purpose or connection. All efforts would feel futile.

Much as I (at times) despise sleeping the rest is needed. I still yearn for the day where I wake up actually feeling refreshed. Those days are so rare. I’m envious of the Little who distinctly remembers the times where we felt refreshed after a nice sleep. I don’t know when exactly that changed, only that it did. And soon we had days and months then into years of waking up angry, embittered, and dread of going through Life. Now it’s more of a resignation to do the work, and sometimes a yearning for this weight to leave my shoulders.

An excess of time does not sound appealing to me. It sounds more like a death sentence.

-Ashe/DJ