Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.

The world keeps turning, and I still feel the weight of everything on my shoulders. Learning how to pause and slow down isn’t easy for us. The last time I put us on pause, I unknowingly left my own life for eight years. We can’t watch the news, and at best can only read about three articles a week on geopolitics. There’s a persistent strain it seems. Watching our partner stay in burnout is hard. Our own recovery from burnout is hard. We have delicate thresholds these days to maintain.

A sudden influx of emotion is enough to spark a meltdown. It feels like falling, vaguely similar to a time where we had a severe dissociative episode in which a fragment tried to have our body hit by oncoming traffic. Or years later the burnout and depression being so severe we didn’t care that we were on the verge of losing our job, housing, and relationships all around. It was a different kind of suicide. There’s pangs of realizing again how our family doesn’t see the hurt we feel towards having our business disclosed before we could do it ourself.

There’s brief solace when we watch comfort shows, and yet I dread having to finish up a college class. It’s such an insidious whisper of, “it doesn’t matter if you finish, nothings going to get better.” It’s exhausting to step back and see–let alone feel–the weight of life. Yet, we have such a hard line about caring for ourself it’s one of the few aspects keeping us sane. We refuse to stress over work while being off. We will finish this class in time, and can start the next portion when we’re ready.

We do have things to look forward to. A new capture card to begin digitizing our small collection of VHS tapes. A handful of Xena photos arriving later today. I’ve managed to cover at least half of a wall so far with the start of this collection. And I find it soothing to stare at when I’m stressed.

And it’s only grown from there considering I initially started this post weeks ago.

I have an entire album chock full of official and non-official released photos at this point. The trading card game, a separate boxset that includes DVD extras, and other smaller knick knacks. I keep wondering if like all Hyperfixations will it end abruptly? Will I feel like I’ve wasted money, and regret it? And I’m finding the answer is no. It’s not like our past interests in power systems and electronics, things we can easily put down and pick up, but lack emotional connection to. Or like with art, the ebb and flow to it. Like all pastimes, we tend to put it on pause for a while and return when it feels right to.

With Xena, since we’ve began watching the show what? Three months ago now, it’s a daily thing. A rewatched episode a night, and if not an episode, there’s plenty of fanfiction and online discussions to engage in about it. I find myself thinking about the storyline, the relationship dynamics, the camp and the drama even while working. Just a thought of it will spur dopamine. The last time I can remember feeling such an intensity around something of this nature, was well back in middle school. Decades ago at this point.

Then there’s the nuance of also being a System. It’s like all of us crowds around the TV, popcorn in hand while watching. There’s no internal chatter during, other than the occasional hushed whisper of a question from a part who hasn’t seen all the episodes. And because we are many, it happens fairly often. But the enjoyment hasn’t changed any. There’s still the same level of satisfaction and intrigue as there was the first time we sat down to watch it.

Finding something that holds our interest for this long is a godsend. And y’know what? I may have to go watch a fourth episode tonight, just for kicks. Maybe the Hercules crossover episode Armageddon Now 1 & 2, just because the depiction of Xena the Conqueror is top tier beautifully done.