The following days after that session we kept Tommy internally at a distance. Truthfully I was still hurt by the nightmare, and recovering from the memory we had disclosed. I didn’t blame Tommy though. It took me some time to recognize I was angry at the adults in life who had failed us. There were no discussions about safe versus unsafe touch. I still don’t understand how we knew what we saw was not okay.

Tommy has an aversion to water, barely speaks, and has frequent meltdowns. He’s extremely touch adverse. He spent some time thumbing through the memories of a close friend (now an ex-friend) and Auntie. As it was then, things with our partner weren’t the greatest, so he saw no reason to look through those. The compassion and care he found in the memories he did look through, had him frequently hiding under tables and couches in the Headspace; rocking and desperately trying to self soothe. He believed he didn’t deserve any love or consideration. He usually cried, racked with guilt for how he mistreated the others Internally. He feared Auntie would hate him for his behavior.

They never did. In fact I owe part of Tommy’s reformation to that aspect. Without their kindness and guidance, Tommy would still be emulating the worse parts of the men in the family. Tommy stuck closer to Daniel, but seemed wary of Daniel himself. In time Mark befriended Tommy, and now those two are practically inseparable. Where there’s a Mark, a Tommy is sure to follow.

Over the last few years I’ve learned Tommy knows a lot about the body memories. Much of which he doesn’t speak on. Skittish in nature, he dodges questions effortlessly. What questions he has answered however, still leave us in a state of distress. He holds a lot of the emotional distress from our early years. It took me a long time to recognize Tommy. He was the same angry child who often fought with the younger brother.

There’s a photo of us, about three years old that I see Tommy in. It’s his favorite and he wanted to share it.

Tommy prefers to be inside, observing from a distance. The only times he comes forward or close to the front is during specific memory recall. Usually there is about three (used to be five) other fragments hanging around him. Though none of us can see the fragments, it’s like watching a child play with imaginary friends. At some point not long after that session we went to Wal-Mart with our partner. In the toy section we found a really soft dog plush, one with floppy ears. Tommy briefly gained control with permission and tugged on our partner’s sleeve.

“Can we get that?” He pointed to the dog. “Please?”

We left Wal-Mart with a new stuffed animal and a really soft pillow to boot. Tommy named the dog Carl and will absolutely not share Carl, not even with our niece or our partner. There weren’t many things we owned growing up that were truly our’s. We had to share practically everything. So, even small items like a plushie or a specific fidget toy we don’t let anyone else touch.

During that session we talked a little about sensory struggles we were becoming more aware of. Those sensitivities seemed to get worse if Tommy was in the mix. Noise especially, like that terrible high-pitch whine phone chargers make. I remember emailing Auntie a few days after asking what we should do if we find ourself hitting the body. They stated it does depend on the context, and usually a hug would be suggested. However, being as Tommy will freak out further from touch, they noted soft objects tend to work best for us. We’re still on the hunt for a rabbit’s foot or something similar to keep in our pocket.

Tommy has come a long way from the child who would scream, bite, and hit others internally. He no longer terrorizes the other Littles, and has taken a liking to the inner caretaker. He enjoys being a kid. Some days he will still try to hit the body to self soothe. But at the instance of remembering Auntie’s “gently, gently,” he manages to turn into a tap. There’s been moments where I find the impulse to hit ourself, and soon after I hear in my head, “Tommy, no. Gentle hands.”