We were running today off about six hours of sleep. After what feels like a month,of really poor quality sleep, I can definitely feel the toll it’s taking on us mentally. By the third time one of my cats woke me up in the middle of the night, I was in “toddler mode.” I was on the verge of tears begging my cat to just lay down and let me sleep. I’m fucking struggling. I spent all day irritated and raw. Not even coffee was comforting. I feel a lot like a cornered pissed off animal.

I woke up disoriented about two hours ago, as late naps will do that. Some of us are mad it’s still the same day. I vaguely remember getting heated about cynicism with my partner on my lunch break. Maybe it’s because I realized their cynicism would unintentionally dismiss us. I’m trying my best not to air out our problems to strangers, tackle it in therapy, and hash it out between us. Yet, I’m stuck facing while my partner is a genuinely good person, we do have issues going on. Maybe I’m impatient with the progress?

Maybe it’s the time dilation combined with the smaller resentments? Much as I hate admitting there are resentments, well, there are. I’ve done my share of the work: speaking up about it all, pitching possible solutions, and initiating conversations around it. They’ve said they’ll work on it to each issue. And so far…it’s a lot of passive effort. I need active effort. The one thing about, and I don’t know if singlets face this or not, dating a system is when things start to appear like they’re going south: protectors and persecutors alike get really loud. Parts of us shout about abandonment and being undeserving of care. And other parts will argue that we do deserve care, and placing importance on our needs does not make us selfish. There’s almost a constant hum in my head. And maybe that under the skin feeling of being frazzled. It’s being stuck in that ambiguous state of questioning whether or not the relationship is worth it.

It pains me to even admit it’s been a question in my head lately. Especially considering we’ve been engaged for a year now.

The system has been in therapy a little longer than we’ve been dating our partner. The issue of the domestic load has been an ongoing problem within our dynamic. I’m tired of constant cleaning. Especially doing the dishes. It took some time, but I recognized some of the resentment started when the hyper-independence kicked in. The line of thought, “If [partner] wasn’t here, I’d still have to do it, and if they’re not going to I might as well,.” That mentality is definitely from our survival days. All that did was prevent us from asking. Or maybe we did ask and got very little? Ultimately it shielded them from knowing there was a problem to begin with.

So we stepped back and had a chat with our partner about the mental load, and everything else. After all we keep the bills straightened out and just ask for their half. We tend to be the planner when it comes to outings. And we know how awful fucking winter is on us. It’s nasty how depression erodes away at our strength these days. I could sit here and sing my partner’s praises all day long, it won’t change the fact that there’s parts of us screaming about not feeling cared for. Parts of us hurting from the cynicism. Parts of us having meltdowns over having to do the dishes (again). Like standing in the kitchen having a sob-fest because I have to wash a fork.

That conversation around the mental load got met with little understanding it feels like. I realized how much I started to hate hearing, “How can I help?” when it comes to cleaning. There again, I know that sentiment isn’t uniquely my own. Part of us feels resentful because they feel more like a mom and delegator than a partner. And here recently I noticed it’s the pattern I’m pissed off most with.

Gods I need sleep.

I’m trying to keep a level head and not make any rash decisions. I’m trying to not let the nastier side of us win-out. I’m trying to be a person who communicates their needs. I’m trying to be patient and remember change doesn’t happen overnight, but also change is a matter of effort. I’m trying to give myself grace and really work with my partner on the matter. I’m trying my best.

There’s a lot more I could rant off about, but I don’t see any benefit in doing that right now. I’m too exhausted and defeated as is. And it’s moments like this where I really miss my former therapist. Maybe tomorrow, or whenever I have the spoons next, I’ll try to see if I can pull Axel forward to draw something. At the very least, give us a chance to focus on a positive. There’s already enough negativity as is.