I can’t wait for March. I have an evaluation set up to confirm if we’re Autistic and ADHD (finally), amongst the cPTSD and DID. My twin relates more with our mother about OCD. Our mom thinks our younger brother is also OCD. And our older brother? Untreated alcoholism, depression, and the like.

And us? Alive. Trying hard not to go into survival mode. I feel as if everything within is slowly shutting down. I’m getting front stuck a lot, or rather cut off from the system. And when I’m not it’s overload of feelings and chatter. Even in the DID spaces online, discord groups, and so on… There’s a pervasive loneliness. We started this blog in an effort to maintain writing again. At least give ourself a space to just get shit out there in hope that some may relate. To remind them they’re not alone.

In clinical terms there’s… I think 4 ANPs. Apparently Normal Parts. Y’know, the work you? School you? The you who has to face the day, every day. ANPs tend to be trauma phobic or avoiding the EP (emotional part). At the moment I can tell I’m not Dex, nor am I Dems or really any of the “known” faces and facets. I’m just here. A part that feels isolated, hurting, and like a wounded child who’s parents remark to “suck it up,” instead of offering comfort in a time of need.

Maybe it’s a cry out into the Void?

The thing is, the last few days especially, apathy cloaks everything. The System tries to reach out to other beings, and conversations can’t stick. The System tries to find joy in gaming lately, and then the boredom hits. The System tries to make sense of the confusion lately, piece and parcel it out into manageable chunks, but no insight is gained. And then there’s that awful sudden slam back into the body and shock of existing again.

Careful now, the walls are being rebuilt. It’s kind of horrific really. Suddenly without warning feeling so detached from everything and everyone. We know it’s depersonalization and derealization. Probably one of the worse episodes we’ve had in years. Or maybe we’re splitting? There’s second thoughts about marriage, about all the goals set, and Gods forbid, some thoughts with life itself.

A job that pays the bills but deeply bores us now. Not to mention the emailing and calling, and all of that nonsense. A partner who’s very kind and loving yes, and also there may be underlying issues we’re still trying to address. Like their drinking for one. A barely alive social life, and we’re well aware we need to get out more as is. Honestly, how the fuck do people manage this?

They said last week not to put pressure on ourself. I don’t think we are. Rather it feels like we’re closer to giving up on life (and Gods know we cannot do that again, twice is bad enough) and fighting just as hard to stay alive. Is it survival mode? Not quite. It’s close, but it isn’t. And to be frank, I don’t know what any of it looks like anymore.

I don’t dread getting out of bed, I dread having to wear a mask of “I’m fine, everything is fine.” I dread being in the front again. I’m so tired of being the PR person and face the world sees. In the span of writing this we’ve already switched and blended probably at least 3 times. It’s why toolkits like Simply Plural and the pluralkit on Discord don’t work for us. I don’t care “who” we are most days, just that we see the day through. But trying to keep track of switches would drive us crazy.

I miss them already.