TW: sexual assault

It dawned on us this morning yesterday was a trauma anniversary. No wonder we couldn’t stop crying in therapy. That day over a decade ago… It almost destroyed us completely. I only remember bits and pieces. Everything from my perspective is muted. I remember we walked up to one of the rooms, and it was at a party. There were a few faces we knew, though not very well. I remember pausing in the doorway, a wave of dissociation flooding us. We had been drinking.

Switches can’t be necessarily controlled. The next thing I remember is pitch blackness, and a horrible sense of being in a situation I wanted nothing to do with. Quietly I panicked and then blackness again. The next moment I came to I was wrapped in a blanket, trying to console another participant. I felt fuzzy, hot with shame, and unable to think straight. I knew what had happened to the body but couldn’t process it. Not there.

There were parts crying, others yelling about “how could you?,” many more begging not to be touched, and a deep chasm of splintering. To Outsiders none of this was apparent. We sat with no expression. I got dressed, and took a brief walk on the beach; sober but feeling as if I had died. I don’t remember where I slept that night.

We moved shortly thereafter. I still have a hard time talking about that night. Not only was it a betrayal of self, it took us years to begin forgiving the parts of us who made the decisions then. At the time we didn’t know we had options, that leaving was an option. That it is okay to withdraw consent at any point. Fear kept us there, and we paid a price for it.

-Dems the Former