The course of the last week as been a consistent roller coaster. Par for the course of Winter for us I suppose. After all, some the worse traumas occurred during Winter. The past few days have been tumultuous to say the least. Most of the week we felt fine, a bit tired here and there, but we would have a few days of intense instability Inside. Partial flashbacks, minor dissociative episodes, crying spells, increased anxiety, and a deep sense of despair.

An intense feeling of disconnection to everything and everyone around us.

It wasn’t without warrant I suppose. Maybe on a subconscious level I was asking for the information to be shared. To see and feel as they did then. The irrational fear of waking up as a child and forced to relive life was persistent. It was a fear I’ve been aware of for years, but one I could easily re-frame and remind myself that was physically impossible. Usually that would subdue the budding anxiety, but this was accompanied by sudden intense belief that it was possible.

To the face of the sub-system, this was their reality. The parts within are often caught reliving those times. To them time had not passed any. To them they were still there: the child being yelled at, the teenager grappling with the chaos of home and failing friendships in school, the young adult thrown out from home for simply being at odds with the authority. The self that could not cope with the abandonment and betrayals. It’s a time of our life we struggle most with once the Winter sets in.

I told my partner the other night about how the timeline of my being is after those harsh months. We moved to this place 10 years ago, the Winter of 2013 into 2014. The events prior to then were not in my awareness. In fact, it wasn’t until some time in therapy a few years ago I realized that I am not Her, and she is not Me. Yes, we split from each other; two sides of the same coin. And it took some time to fully realize it. The years in between moving here and meeting our fiance were vaguely known. I was in many ways still in infancy then. Not quite formed enough to Host, but enough to begin the process of transitioning from Dems to Dex.

And Dems had no intentions of returning. They took with them almost all of the details of life before we moved. They left me a generic explanation, and a vague understanding that the 3 months we were homeless at 18 were…that it nearly killed us. I had big shoes to fill. Our former Host had endured enough. And She was tired. It wasn’t until the accident three years ago now that forced Her and the ones within her to wake up from dormancy.

I told my partner how in the last few weeks I would be overwhelmed at times by sudden information. Information only the sub-system truly knew. Things I only had estimates for how damaging they were to live through. Guesses as to how we managed. Lately the Inner system shifts forward, and it’s taking some time to recognize the signs, but I don’t wish to prevent it. I do admit that finding a part at the “bottom” who seems to have no sense of self, is quite terrifying. Even still, slowly we are showing them the Now is genuine. That our life now, reality now, is far safer than it ever has been before.

It has been a week of epiphanies, connecting threads, and tentative gentle communication.