I woke up this morning feeling slightly out of it. Another night of disrupted sleep. I never sleep well. If it wasn’t just darkness, it was nightmares. And if it wasn’t nightmares, it would be dreams leaving me feeling many things and out of place upon waking.

Last night I had to deal with chaos entities for the first time in a few months at least. These beings had half human faces, minus the lower jaw. In place was a series of long rusted nails. I still remember the nails piercing my hands as I pushed them away before I forcefully woke up.

Almost a decade ago I had begun training myself to wake up from dreams before they turned into nightmares. It wasn’t uncommon for us to have gory, graphic, and severely disturbing dreams even as a child. These ones where we deal with chaos entities often leave us in a sour mood. I try to be cognizant of the few instances where we have beaten them. The few instances of empowerment. I was not scared in the dream. I was suddenly angry.

I was left with a vague feeling upon waking of being reminded how we felt at 16: like God had abandoned us, and no one would come to our rescue. Part of us still held hope we would be taken out of the chaos then. We learned a handful of years later only we could rescue ourself.

The anger came from that place. Anger is just another way of hurt manifesting. And this morning it has been consistent shouting in the depths. The betrayal of being let down by the ones who were supposed to be safe still gets to us. In spite of it we still keep moving forward.